In This Rage

2011-09-13T22:53:00.001-07:00

I dying without you
Unable to breathe
Weak
Frail
Empty

I've gotten pretty good
At killing myself
Slowly
So slowly
She doesn't even notice

I can't help
To think of you
To think that you
Would have known
I was dying
Before I did
Can't shake the feeling
That while you kissed
The spaces that are new
As your tounge traced
The empty
Where there was full
That you would stop this
That you would
Without knowing
End the torturous
Non-death I am living
Without you

~ may I die this way ~

2011-08-25T13:05:00.001-07:00

I'm starving myself
Carving out the hunger
Need
Desire
Craving
constant
burning
destruction
painful
HUNGER
For you

I need silence
Relief
I need the void
Of self
Of space
Of mind
Of matter

If I can take up less
If I can need less
If I can take in less
If I can move less

Maybe I can feel you less

If I can take
This emptiness
your emptiness
And I can starve it
Into my emptiness

I can feel you again
Your unforgiving touch
Your overwhelming heat
Your dizzying desire

~ may I die this way ~

Yesterday

2011-08-21T22:54:00.001-07:00

If I am of the ocean
I wrote
If you are of the sky

Then again
Those things seem
Easier
Somehow
More surmountable
Than where we are now

You are still
Living yesterday
While I
Mourne her death
You are still walking home
While put out the candles

I don't understand
Why letting go hurts
More than holding on
All I know
Is that both are killing me

I want to run to you
To cross into yesterday
Do it all over
For an hour or two
I want you
To love me
Properly
To touch me
Carefully
To see me
Honestly

~ may I die this way ~

2011-07-28T11:12:00.001-07:00

It's different
This time
It's different
I'm sure

This time
I can't breathe
I am not sure
I can't see the picture
That to me
Was always so
Crystal
Perfect
Clear
Obvious

It's different
This time
It's different
You know already
What I
Am only now
Grasping

Only now
Figuring out

That this is my life
Mine
Not ours
Mine
Not yours
Not in any way

Not going to visit
You are not coming home
There will be no more
Us
That makes them wonder
Us
That makes it clear
Us
Against them
Us
As a team
Us
An unspoken love
Spoken in the hours
When the world slept

Us
Has died
Left me a prisoner
Of a war
I didn't realize I was fighting
A civil war of sorts
Friendly fire
Forgotten mines
Casualty of the times

~ may I die this way ~

A message?

2011-07-28T09:53:00.001-07:00

I know
With half my mind
No
With more than half
With most of myself
I know

She isn't talking to me
There is no secret message
No hidden meaning

Still
I can see it clearly
With eyes that look
With a fractured
Reality
I can hear
What she isn't saying

She is giving me
Her secrets
Her desires
She is passing the torch to me
She wants my life
My breath

I am so ashamed

I can't count my ribs
I lost them last week
Brittle little rattle
Like keys made of bones
My hips will go next
I won't let that happen

I can do this
I am stronger
I am able
More able than she thinks
More able than anyone thought

I keep saying
Just a bit more
Just a little further

I think I know
That that is a lie
Can they get mad
If the lie was meant for me
And those that stood
Too close
Became casualties

I have been
Too close before
I know it still destroys
Even if the lie
Wasn't meant for you

She can count
My vertebrae
And I can sleep
Only when I feel
Empty

I love you both
I can't choose who
I love more

I'm sorry

~ may I die this way ~

Remember When I Smiled

2011-07-28T09:31:00.001-07:00

Daniel wasn't the only one
To sleep in a lions den
He was
However
The only one
To escape unharmed

You broke something
Still to be fixed
I have worked this puzzle
For years
For a whole lifetime
Only to find
You took a piece with you

So here it is
A complete picture
More and more beautiful
You would be shocked
Yet there
Indiscernible - yet there
A hole
A piece stolen
Within that vacant space
A world

How does this work
How do we move on
Do we
Move on

I can't
Your calls well pass midnight
Tell me you can't
Then what is this
That we re doing
This isn't life
You can't live without

Without
Your peices

You can't be whole
Not while using a piece of me
As your own
It's making me hurt more
More than is fair
More than I imagine
You would ever want me to

That's because
I like to imagine
Pretend
Make believe
That you love me
Or
At least
That you loved me
All those years ago
When you actually
Knew me
When I lived you
When I worshiped you
When I gave that piece
In the first place

~ may I die this way ~

2011-07-22T13:20:00.001-07:00

Starved
Counting each moment
Falling into myself
Falling apart
Bit by bit

Sick
As each thought erodes
Parts of myself
Wither

Who is this girl
That I have
Unearthed
Carved
Out of myself
Resurrected
From the dust
Of a former

Where is her mind
Wandering
Lost
Fractured by
Hunger
Control
Anger
Fear

~ may I die this way ~

2011-07-22T13:15:00.001-07:00

I never imagined
You
Without me
I never let myself
Breathe
The air of a world
You were not part of

The dare
Of a dream
Of another's skin
Touch
Scent

The threat
Of desire
For a different
Love

I would have
Died
Killed

~ may I die this way ~

2011-07-20T20:32:00.001-07:00

There is a hollow
I trace again and again
To be sure
To get lost
It becomes a prayer
As my fingers trace the expanse
I am scared of it's existence
Of waking up one day without it

If I can keep it all
Under the tightest touch
Maybe we can be okay
Maybe tomorrow I can
Wake up and live

The hunger defines me
Makes me stronger
Creates the lioness

~ may I die this way ~

2011-03-04T09:10:00.001-08:00

I remember
Blankets on the floor
Being curled with you
Warmed
Heated
Burned
By your skin

I can see your face
Kissed by the city's light
Deep in the darkness
Of a cold apartment

I can feel the shower
Bouncing off your skin
Sharing the hot water
And laughing at ourselves
As we shivered

You took my hand that night
Told me you wanted to make love
Kissed me
Touched me
Held on to me
Through the darkest hours

I remember waking
Dressing in a dream
To be there with you
To play pretend so well
That when we stepped outside
I almost could not stand it

I remember it all
With little more than wistful thoughts
Of how nice those times were
Or how bad they would shortly get
And if I allow myself
I will spend time there
In that apartment with your ghost

Still to hear you talk of that night
To know you have that memory
To have you speak of it so easily
Took my breath away
Turned cold inside my chest
Made me lose my thoughts
Made me want yours

I guess
I will always love you
A little more than I admit
I guess
I will always love you
A little more than I would like

If letting that go
Means burning this memory
Then I will hold on forever
Because this you
Is the you I love
The you I sometimes
Doubt ever existed

2011-01-14T13:20:00.001-08:00

Amazing
The words of a stranger
A faceless virtual friend
Can touch your
Heart

Suddenly
Where you are
And where you want to be
Are no longer
So painfully far
Apart

~ thanks Nari

2010-11-30T08:02:00.001-08:00

Like the sun
In the rain
All I want to feel
Is what you give
It's what you give

All the places
We've been and gone
Just to have you near me
And still
Here we go again
Figuring out our destiny

Live
Die
Breathe
Scream

You blind me
I close me eyes
I always close my eyes
Still I am running
Running all this away

Love don't show us
Where we are safe
It shows us where we are alive

I need to choose safe
Or you
I know that
I know

Nothing here can last forever
Still there must be something better
Than giving it all
Only to get nothing back
I know that

I am 30!

2010-11-23T08:53:00.001-08:00

My big sister spoils me so! Thank you!

2010-11-23T07:14:00.001-08:00

There are times
When I can hear you
As if you are still here

Times when I smile
And I look over
Honestly surprised
Shocked and hurt
That you are not smiling back
From where you belong
Next to me
In bed
In the car
In life

Then it takes a moment
Or two
To recover my balance
My heart

So I guess
Some part of me
Wanted to let
Some part of you know
I love you

2010-09-07T10:04:00.001-07:00

It is not going to be okay
I am not okay
This is not okay
And we are not okay
Nothing is okay

You don't know the damage
I can do to myself
You can't understand the hatred
I am capable of
I do not forgive
I cannot lower my standards
I am not okay

I don't feel love anymore
Not when I look at you
Or sit in my kitchen
I feel longing
A longing I thought I would never feel again
Familiar and heart breaking
I long for somewhere, anywhere, different
To forget the mistakes we cannot take back

I hate everything
It's not going to be okay
Not this time

I love you

2010-06-21T11:33:00.001-07:00

Sometimes
I look at you and I think
She is mine
More so than any other
Will ever be
She is mine
Whole and complete

At night
I watch you sleep
Peaceful and deep
You swim through the night
Beautiful
Than anything I have seen
Entirely mine

You are
The sound of my soul
The wind in my hair
Blood in my veins
And I
Love you
More than ever I could say

I am

2010-06-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

I am a creature of almighty power
Unmatched force, unprecedented fury
I am a creature of infinite wisdom
Unrivaled heart, incomparable love
I am a creature of divine purpose
unparalleled intelligence, unequaled spirit
I am a creature of celestial importance
Unsurpassed passion, supreme obsession

I am a creature that moves
Like a storm, as a hurricane moves
I am a creature that loves
Like an anger, as a rage loves
I am a creature who believes
Like a child, as an innocent believes
I am a creature that prays
Like a mourner, as a devout would pray

I am a godly creature
And you had me, on my knees
I am a marvelous creature
And you kept me, at a distance
I am a heavenly creature
And you pushed me, further and further
I am a woman beyond your wildest delusion
And you have missed out

Sony Cybershot DSC-W350

2010-05-17T22:11:00.001-07:00

http://wtf-inthisrage.blogspot.com/2010/05/sony-cybershot-dsc-w350.html

Sony Cybershot DSC-W350

2010-05-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

http://wtf-inthisrage.blogspot.com/2010/05/sony-cybershot-dsc-w350.html

A new baby?

2010-05-11T09:31:00.001-07:00

OMG, I am in love! I kinda have to have her. Name: Ani.

iPhone-White, 3G

2010-05-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

BlogWriter
ColorChange
Twitterrific or Twitterlator Pro
ColorSplash
A Mood Pad
CameraBag
Super Camera 2: All-In-One
QuadCamera - MultiShot
ToyCamera
iPicEd
ReelDirector
Kindle
Amazon Mobile
eBay Mobile
Shazam
Avatar
Tower Bloxx Deluxe 3D

Is it wrong that I don't even upgrade till September and I am app shopping already?

i have something to say -

2010-04-15T10:29:00.001-07:00

so an end of an era is now upon my dear blog. i think i might start using capital letters, i know. I know. See there, I did it! Also, I am feeling very - well, like I want to start (yet another) new blog with a WHOLE new persona and I think it's because to me each blog I have is so separated, compartmentalized. Instead I have decided to simply start a new blog, under this name, where my humble opinion will be put into videos. OF COURSE I will still put up a review or two here. The WTF?!? blog is simply for vids and other WTF?!? moments that need a bit more than a post here!
Also, you might notice that I no longer am listed as screaming silently - not that I will never use that pen name again, just that it isn't now.
Rock on!

i miss you, johny.

2010-04-13T15:22:00.001-07:00

my darling car, who i just cleaned out, is dead in the water waiting while my lovely fights the good fight and finds a special bolt.

happy easter!

2010-04-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

so it begins, sent too much money on too much candy... but the moring will be fun!

i don't feel you

2010-03-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

it doesn’t hurt me
i don’t feel you anymore
that wound healed
too many years before you washed ashore

you want to know
that you’ve been loved
that you’ll be loved forever more

only I don’t
i can’t figure out
where I could have changed this
can’t unearth the love that died

you can not reach me
i will not give in to this
there can be no resolution
i will not remember your kiss

it doesn’t touch me
you can’t reach me where you are
cinders and falling flames
bridges that were lost too long before

you want to see
how deep the river runs
you think that you could swim me

only I won’t
i will not give it to you
i will not denounce my happiness
i will not be the one who lied

you can not touch me
i will not give you this
there will be no resolution
i do not remember your kiss

seriously? are you for fucking real?

2010-01-24T21:26:00.000-08:00

the saddest song - annie l.

2010-01-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

every once in a while...

2010-01-22T14:35:00.000-08:00

i come to a point when i question everything, a point when i read and re-think and evaluate. shit usually falls apart and this time i plan to evaluate and fix, not avoid or move on
"...the notion buying a home is a ticket to financial security is a "scam" perpetrated on the American people by corporations seeking to keep us in debt, less mobile and with the storage to purchase all sorts of needless consumer goods."

forget it

2010-01-12T21:07:00.000-08:00

you had the life,

the prettier smile,

the brighter eyes,

the better build.

i had feeble compliments

that made me glow,

alive with hope,

swollen with pride.

compliments given so easily,

inaccurately,

haphazardly,

carelessly.

hibernating ~ it is that time in life.

2010-01-06T19:40:00.000-08:00

this blog is going to sleep for a while. i will probably only tweet and mobil blog. of course if a poem hits that will be posted. i have a new baby in the blog world. a focus-on-me-and-self-improvement blog. i will be back better than ever. love.

family camping trip is one day away...

2009-12-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

it's a new camp ground this year, our regular was full by the time we could afford to pay. this one has me worried, but we'll see. i still can't go in the sun for long so i will be making a monkey and blogging a lot. oh, and snoozing hopefully.

a littl bit of monkey news...

2009-12-24T06:24:00.000-08:00

siamese twins posted here, on my other blog: www.bananahill.blogspot.com - also, there will be a christmas video update later...

baby lir, the little prince!

2009-12-10T20:37:00.000-08:00

they look like they were meant to be...

2009-10-17T17:25:00.000-07:00

well, all the cats met today - officially. all went well and the two oldest crashed together in fairy's room. (just three feet from the birds!)

my baby boy!

2009-10-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

he's every bit as wonderful as i imagined and more!

cloudy with a chance of meatballs...

2009-10-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

for the first time - THIS week! so tired.

2009-09-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

this is a test post. haven't gotten a post up with the new phone. please enjoy this picture of fat cat.

i'm going to laugh

2009-09-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

you want to see
that i have moved on
you want to know
that you can feel free
that you have been forgiven
well i’m going to tell you
you don’t want to ask me
don’t want to see how deep it lies
so much hate for you
in the end we don’t matter
you ~ you can rest assured
in the end i am going to be happy

and i’m going to laugh
and i’m going to cry
and one day at the end of this
i will lie down and die
but between then and now
i’m going to be happy
i’m going to change the experience
for me

you want to know
know things are better
you want me to say
you want to hear
some silly magic words
say that you are forgive
but i don’t know that i have
i don’t know that i will
i know i have let go
i know that’s all that matters
you ~ you can move on knowing
in the end i am going to be happy

and i’m going to laugh
and i’m going to cry
and one day at the end of this
i will lie down and die
but between then and now
i’m going to be happy
i’m going to change the experience
for me

and i’m going to laugh
and i’m going to cry
and one day at the end of this
i will lie down and die
but between then and now
i’m going to be happy
i’m going to change the experience
for me

and i’m going to laugh
and i’m going to cry
and one day at the end of this
i will lie down and die

one day at the end of this
i will lie down and die
one day at the end of this
i will lie down and die

but between then and now
i’m going to be happy
i’m going to change the experience
for me

it's late

2009-09-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

you will never know

everything i am

all that you lost

the famine that was endured

if i could

i’d cut myself

opening down the center

i’d show you where i'm damaged

down deep in my chest

way beyond my heart

if i only could

i can’t help but think

you’d say a prayer

beseech forgiveness

kiss away the pain

that you don’t even seem to see

i should let this go

should say goodbye

holding on only harms me

you want to know how this feels

you want to know how i've missed you

you want to know how i've loved

only now i’m not so sure

if it was ever love

it was so misguided

i was so confused

you are not the stars

you are not the light

you are the blackest parts of my darkness

you

you are different

you don’t know my God

you don’t know your place

within these walls

where your path spirals

you should fall down

you should fall so hard

fall with tears in your eyes

your knees should bleed

as you beg

make your deal

make your deal with me

make your deal with my God

plead for a chance to kiss all that hurts

because of you

what’s within

hidden in your heart

there in the wasteland

all i taste is the desert

all i see is barren

where is your laughter

how do you call this living

all your treasures are stolen

and i wonder

if you can even know

their value

if you never knew

what their cost was

if you never prayed

if you never made your deal

can you even begin

to imagine what it is

that you have stolen

can you imagine

what it is you have taken

if only you could

you'd know the hatred

you would feel the spite

you'd wear the shame

what it is to play the fool

what it is to deserve your self pity

and try to keep your dignity

if only you could

then maybe i could

maybe i could make a deal

maybe i could forget where your place is

and i could let you in

if you only knew what you held

you could give it back

i could be whole

and we could both

be something else

but what would i be

without all my anger

where would i start

if i had to go back to the beginning

if only i could

darius, the kitty queen

2009-09-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

sometimes darius is a bit much for kenneth cole. he gets a bit overwhelmed...

this little kitty...

2009-09-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

he's been so happy and content. i'm hoping that the new kitten will only add to the family feeling!

wreck this couch...

2009-09-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

typing that gave me a fab-tastic idea! anywho, i've been working on my journal and the problem is - you never know what you might need, hence the caboodle. everything is an art supply so everything is being drawn to my couch where i work!this is my new perfume - my place or yours gina - i love it but after putting it in my book it makes me sick! definitely infuse yours with a mild scent or wait until your practically done. blech!

"um, that's a big fire."

2009-09-16T19:19:00.000-07:00

so there is a reason they tell you not to run around if you catch fire. it's because adding air to the flame makes the flame huge and wild! what's this all about you might ask and if you did i'd say, "well, when wrecking your journal don't burn this page indoors under a fan in a direct air path." i would say that because that's exactly what i did and the next thing i know my delicate flame became a fire i had to slam my book on to put out. just when i thought it was safe i noticed that an ember had escaped and was working on my rug! yikes.

oops!

2009-09-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

so i was in the middle of allowing my journal to act as my coaster when apparently the title page i took a break from doodling got a drop somehow. i assume i should not flip out since later on i will need to take the journal in to the shower with me. (at least that is what the directions said.)

poking holes was fun, it's been a long time since i did that. what's strange is that it's something we have all done at some point, drive the sharpened pencil right through the paper. and then, i guess, we stopped ~ but why? did it stop being fun or was there simply no time?

wreck this journal ~

2009-09-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

so i just got this book - and so this blog is probably going to get a bit more boring than is has been... because this is going to be what i am working on. the problems i will face with this project will be 1) cracking the spine and 2) the pages that require you to take them out of the book. yikes!

four letter words ~

2009-09-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

poet ~ poem
sing ~ song
here:

want, wish, pray ~
life long love.
pain, hurt, hate ~
fire, burn, sore.

soar.

same, self, part
soul twin ~ lies.
liar lied.

lion,
your eyes glow,
like lost star...
then, fade gray.

stay away from
open door,
guns,
wars,
army boys.

~~~

tiny boys play with guns.
open door, arms, army ~ wars.
moms pray sons stay safe.
weep when they hear news from over seas.

~~~

the challenge was to list all the four letter words you could think of. guess my brain is wired for poetry because this is how mine came out.

got to get the wet suit on.

2009-09-08T12:24:00.000-07:00

i'm going to take a long hot bath, hurting a bit more than normal today. hoping a soak will help, so i got sam all ready to go. up next, my phone gets the same treatment and away we go!

finally at home...

2009-09-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

phat-kat is really settling in, right in time for his little brother to be adopted - october 4th our little leo boy comes home with us from north carolina. i'm tossing names around: lir, leland, gideon, trent, zain, zeb, zach... drop a comment or email me at inthisrage@yahoo.com and let me know what you think.

meet alex! newest addition to our fam!

2009-08-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

hey mom!

2009-08-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

the whole time you told me decorating my chucks was ugly i could have worked for them...

hell, yeah!

2009-08-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

stuffed rock stars in mardi gras mask, v-day pups wearing tiaras and over priced sock monkeys. happy things!

ok, like seriously? how fun is that!

2009-08-12T07:19:00.000-07:00

big ol' thanks to connie - this blast from the past rocks and really cheered me up!

My chicken hatched her babies!

2009-08-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

some things will always have my heart!

2009-07-30T14:04:00.000-07:00

lost in the waters of hurricane katrina - then resurrected by an extremely dedicated gemini! i love these boots as much as i did when i first found them in 1995.

i think dawn misses cher :(

2009-07-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

because that was her scratch around buddy. so this morning i squatted down (pain) and scratched with her. she seemed really happy to have a pal AND we found a few bugs, too!

thank you for being so awesome.

2009-07-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

you are my heart and life, i love you.

breaking the sound barrier, maybe?

2009-07-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

so there is this hallway from the front door to our office and in that hallway lives a real life ogre. he slurps and burps and farts and yells... for almost four years we've dealt, but today we get a door. A DOOR. a door and a sound\smell ogre barrier that will not be broken!

my chicken died yesterday.

2009-07-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

i don't know how old she was - we got her as an adult. i do know i miss her and the back yard seems empty even though katelyn and dawn are still here. i am pretty sure i am depressed.

this is my day, how's yours?

2009-06-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

lucas the locust

2009-06-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

we found this guy in norris' food dish. i scooped him up like a true butch and hung him on the tree in the back yard.
now he's splitting nicely. i just hope the chickens leave him alone...

hot red nodules

2009-06-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

so there it is - erythema nodosum. the final thoughts of four specialist.

a mazing!

2009-06-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

after days of hospital food - this is awesome.

the cutest dr. ever - did a great job.

2009-06-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

this is doctor robert koppel - he was the dermatoligist that the hospital had me see. he's a really amazing man awith a wonderful energy! i'm a big baby and he was so cool about making it easy and painless! if you are in the metairie, new orleans or surrounding area you should totally look him up! plus, he's a complete hotty! ;)

heading to the e.r.

2009-06-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

follow the trip on twitter...

used to stop here with dad...

2009-06-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

or he would stop on the way home. always skittles (taste the rainbow) or loads of dime and nickle candies to sneak into the three dollar show. glad it came back, glad so many things are back. feels like home, finally.

staph sucks :(

2009-06-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

That would be SEVEN staph booboos. that's right and add those to the other 29 you'll get the 36 bandaids that are covering my legs and arms. i feel like shit, i'm aching from top to bottom and i am crying constantly.

norris

2009-06-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

so this is norris. a friend at work found him on the side of the road and knows we love animals so we are going to keep him. i am about to go out and build him an enclosure right now! i'll be tweeting it!

old red

2009-06-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

well, actually he's brand new and my baby just put him together. she's so sexy, my girl not the... well they are both sexy!

just got stuck THREE fucking times! :(

2009-06-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

this sucks.

AWESOME! gfm digital camera with waterproof case ~ a review

2009-06-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

5.0 mega pixels
8x digital zoom
max depth 50 feet
16 mb built-in flash memory
2in. lcd view screen
built in flash

so there's the selling points that the company felt compelled to list on the front of the package. hmmm, they got me at waterproof. but, seriously, let's take a look at some pictures and take about the camera. as far as i can tell they retailed for 79.99-99.99 in grocery stores. they are now readily available on ebay from 49.99 and up. i paid 50 even for mine and that included shipping, which only took two days! i have not read the manual yet, i usually don't do that for a few weeks as i am so excited about having a new play thing! but because i didn't read it i am not to keen on how to use my little toy and that brings me to my first not-really complaint: the menus and ease of use. let's face it, it's no where near as user friendly as a cyber-shot, then again it is pretty basic and other than not knowing quite how to use the flash and not realizing there was a macro switch i was able to load the batteries (two AAA,) stick in a sd card and start taking pictures in less than two minutes. speaking of batteries, i loaded it with two used batteries that had just enough juice to have one little bar of power show up and roughly 35-45 pictures later i am still shooting with them. she, her name is chloe, has an extremely fast shutter speed - i think that's what it's called. quick to take pictures, unlike a really expensive model point and shoot i bought last year thinking i might replace my cyber-shot. while the camera may take a moment to "wake up" and switch between modes, she takes a picture and then reviews for about one second and then is ready to take pictures again (start to finish around three seconds.) chloe is a really light plastic, strange because toys are built more durable feeling; however, the water proof case is thick and serious! buttons are easy to use and the view finder is easy to see even in the case, which is good because that where she'll be most of the time. i can promise that she is now my beach, pool, water park, amusement park and outdoor concert camera! i am honestly thrilled and not just "for the price" either. even at full price or a bit high this camera would rock. she certainly goes beyond simply serving her purpose. after taking the time to play with it for the last day and a half and taking it into the pool i have to say it's an awesome camera. indoors the pictures are a bit grainy and i will probably keep using my cyber-shots BUT out doors i have a new favorite!

a moving subject: dawn the rhode island red chicken

me with flash (not even sure how i turned it on)

keyboard (before i found the macro switch)

keyboard (after the macro switch was discovered, clearly - ha ha)

and finally some really great pool shots!

as mentioned...

2009-06-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

okay, so let me start with a shout out to fayble, who i love an adore. she gave me this amazing little purse for mother's day and i LOVE it! SO SO SO darling!
and up next: my very own twist on the blt - quiche style! so i have been on a mad cooking kick lately. the girls have been laying amazingly beautiful eggs and i have been inspired! so, i decided to make a quiche. (confession: i am a fag for quiche!) anywho, this quiche is of my own design. it's a frozen pie shell, three yard eggs, 1 cup milk, fried and chopped bacon, baby spinach, a cup of fine shredded cheddar cheese, diced mushrooms and tomato, salt and pepper - all of that is to taste if i did not mention an exact amount! then you cook it at 375^ for an hour, or until a knife stuck in the middle comes out clean. i just discovered how to make a foil ring to keep my crust from burning and it is the coolest! as a side i lightly coated asparagus with olive oil salt and peppered and then cooked it at the same temp for 25 minutes! AWESOME!

sneak peek

2009-06-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

here is a little look-ey lou into the future:

blt quiche (my own personal recipe!)
electronic reviews (three new items set to start arriving on tuesday!)
poetry (let's just say i am really inspired lately!)

iReport.com ~ 3 Little Chickens

2009-06-02T12:17:00.001-07:00

It wasn’t too long ago that my partner and I decided to make a change in our lifestyle that would not only introduce nutritionally sounder food but would also allow ourselves and our children to get more connected to our food source. We decide to keep chickens or ducks and set about gathering information on the ‘how to’ and the ‘what not.’ For us it was between Rhode Island Red chickens and Runner ducks. Due to several things we came to the conclusion that raising laying ducks would be right up our ally, however along the way of figuring out duck housing a friend offered up a couple of chickens. “Why not?” I said, “It’ll give us some experience before we take on a dozen ducklings.” So we built a freehand chicken coop and took home two chickens. Dawn, a Rhode Island Red, and Cher, a Buff Rock. Within days we were scooping up an egg or two and in four days we decided to go back and get another girl, Katelyn a Cookoo Maran. The benefits that the three chickens have brought are amazing. It’s so easy to grab eggs at the store and forget that they ever came from a living creature as we have such an abstract concept of grocery store food; through the simple act of caring for the chickens and collecting their eggs we are reconnected with the earth and with ourselves. Once that connection is made real you begin to think differently about everything you eat and use on a daily basis, you begin to change your thought process and with that your behavior. With the addition of these incredibly simple yet massively entertaining birds to our family we have slowed down the pace of our suburban frenzy, taking time to drink coffee outside or sit in the evening shade watching them forage in the backyard. I am sure this is not a reaction that everyone has but we found that the day we brought home the first two chickens changed the course of our lives, as if life suddenly snapped into focus. We let go of dreams that involved the city and the people and refocused on a future of self evolution and purity for our family. While the three of them do not provide enough eggs to sustain our family of four they have been an exciting learning tool and we have decided to go full steam with the idea of a complete flock. We should be collecting full dozens in a mere matter of months; I have a ton of egg recipes I can’t wait to try and the kids are looking forward to an egg-y twist on the traditional lemonade stand!

prozac ~ naturally

2009-05-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

the truth is that it is down right silly how much i love my chickens. i used to be a tv adict and now i am just sitting here watching my chickens enjoy themselves. it's quite amazing and beautiful.

move over, boyfriend!

2009-05-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

so i'll tell a little secret. why not? i mean, this is only the internet. sometimes i can be a wee bit materialistic. i get ridiculously excited about random things, like OMG i am a fagot for electronics. i adore my kindle, sam ~ my ice blue ds lite, britney ~ my new cell phone, who doesn't yet have a name ~ and both my sony cybershots (nameless and blue). so of course ~ there are some new loves in my life right now. they are, in no particular order:

Stylus 850 SW Shockproof Waterproof Digital Camera Blue (of course) - i know what you are thinking, when would i need to take my digi down ten feet and the answer is NEVER. but, i would love underwater pictures of the kids in the pool. i would love to take my camera to the beach or blue bayou or out in rain. i mean, really, really - it's too cool!

kindle 2 - again, i can hear your thoughts - why would a girl with the original kindle need the kindle 2. the simple answer is, i don't. but this wicked electro-itch i get is rarely about need, no my burning desire to own all the kindles made is none other than want, plain and simple geek-lust! (dude, they also have a kindle dx - but i can't go there right now - i'll f'n pop!)

finally, the newest in the nintendo ds fam - the dsi. all i can say is that my love of this small blue gaming device is much like my love for my original ds' namesake, britney spears. yes, my brit from a year ago works and is lovely but this new britney is HOT!

dawn's first egg!

2009-05-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

so i got back from picking up my house key - long, stupid story - and i checked on the girls right in time to see this happen!

chickens, tramps & thieves

2009-05-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

so much has been going on this weekend that i damn well forgot to take pictures of some pretty important things. one, am built a coop. not from plans and without help. she bought a saw and went to town! i wasn't out there with a camera for two reasons - i was re-rooting a blythe and who wants a flash in the face while sweating over a saw? anywho, she got it done and it's a good thing as dawn and cher are here tonight. they arrived around 8:30 and they are SO cool! very chill, they came out the rubbermaid container (chicken booster seat!) and started scratching and pecking. we've handled them and they seem happy, cher even enjoyed being scratched gently for a minute. the only thing is that they have not yet gone into the house part of the coop, i'm trying not to fuss over them. dawn is a rhode island red and cher is a buff rock, both are big beautiful girls! (please ignore the sad paint chipping off my nail.)

iliad's reroot ~ mohair

2009-05-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

finally decided to just rip into the mohair and it worked. i spent hours last night figuring out how to root her scalp. in the end i am doing it my own way - it's working pretty good.

movies!

2009-05-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

half way through season two of dexter (spelled wrong on the rentals) and it is making me a complete freak ~ as usual. hotel for dogs was a cute feel good kid flick, picking it up as a surprize.

dawn & cher

2009-05-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

so, we should be getting our first chickens within the week or so. a friend of ours, matt, is giving us two rhode island red girls. they are laying, though they are not coming home for that purpose. we see these girls as a sort of learning curve before the ducklings this summer. if you haven't drawn the connection yet, their names are dawn and cher. we're designing and re-designing coops constantly! yay!
oh, and this is the book i've been reading - it' alright... when i'm done i'll do a complete review!

how soon?

2009-05-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

it's slow, but it's steady... it's gonna be a while and we're gonna be a part of it.

beautiful insanity

2009-05-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes you need a bit of chocolate ~ sometimes you need to go chocolate CRAZY! this is chocolate crazy.

late night...

2009-05-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

oh, sleep - where are you?

why i love amazon.com - THIS much!

2009-05-01T19:27:00.001-07:00

kindle (4)
Originally uploaded by inthisrage

hmm, oh yeah -
1) because they make the kindle and i love my kindle, sam.
2) because when i call for customer support and they find out that i named my kindle sam the promptly begin to call him sam.
3) because they are quick to refund or resolve issues = no matter how small.
4) because when my original sam stopped working they replaced him in two days - not with a fancy pants new kindle, with a true blue kindle. scroll wheel and square body and all!

thanks amazon.com for rocking like a true gangsta!

my favorite place in the whole house!

2009-04-27T17:11:00.000-07:00

i am really excited about getting back into reading. making my living helping people and having a reason to have my corner be an absolute mess! thank God for my life!

mall madness!

2009-04-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

you have NO IDEA how in love i am with having a daughter who loves all the things i did when i was young! this is just another example of why she is my absolute bestie! and girl, before you get confused ~ this is the hannah montana edition!

$50 ~ feeds 10

2009-04-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

so, the youngest wants a princess cake for her party. when i saw this cake i was like - "too cool!" i asked what it cost and how much it was... the world is losing its mind!

i'm so sad ~

2009-04-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

i feel so bad that a friend i have not seen in ages called and instead of inviting him over and rushing to the door i had to pass... i'm so sad!

rain, rain...

2009-04-17T18:18:00.000-07:00

looks like the kind of weather people stay in bed for. i'm glad we're home.

2009-04-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

um, i think i need
to talk to you
tell you the truth
reveal myself
i'm scared that you
won't understand
wont hear what i'm really saying

i love you
i loved you then
i love you now
i love you

maybe we should not
see each other
i think you
should keep the distance
you have kept so well
the distance that served us both
or maybe just spared me

my heart died
each time we encountered
and i did nothing
to keep you
nothing to save your beautiful spirit
my heart dies still
every time i meet you in a dream
and then allow myself to wake

i feel like i owe you honesty
though the truth ~ itself ~
is worth little
as if this whole unveiling
is more for me
than it could even begin to be for you

i want to pull you closer
as i feel myself push you away
i want to cry out in my agony
as i smile and gloss over the pass few years
i need you to walk away ~ disappear ~
no one disappears
quite as good as you
you always were magic

this could be very bad
if you do not vanish
should you decide to stay so close
or come closer yet
if that were to be the case
i will love you
as i have
~ as i do ~
for the rest of my life

because
i love you
i loved you then
i love you now
i love you

rock on.

2009-04-16T08:46:00.001-07:00

my Bible ~ a gift from the gideons, sort of

2009-04-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

"placed by the gideons" has always made me want to tuck the book into my suitcase. i just couldn't - i mean, what if the next person really needed it? not to imply that i didn't, just that i know God and i pray to Jesus and that even though my beliefs are not traditional in the least i know that they work for me and my life. still, i liked the gideons gift so much i would read it at night and then waiver on leaving it behind up until the last moment.

the last time i almost stole the Bible of the gideons was after hurricane katrina destroyed my life. (well, all the physical scenery of my life.) i had driven to florida for a night spent in the arms of a virtual stranger. my first and only "one night stand" that had too much history and future to be an actual one night stand, but all in all left me feeling sad where i had hoped happy would be, empty where i had hoped for fulfilled and alone where i had prayed there would be a feeling of caring and commitment. on the way back to the rural camp ground my family had been staying at since early september, two days before i would be let into my parish to survey the damage for myself for the first time, i stopped at a motel and read the gideons book - made art, read, slept and read. it hurt to put the book back in the drawer. i did so with the prayer that it would actually reach who it was intended for.

years later my Bible reached who it was intended for - me. placed by the gideons in a motel room that could be any motel room and stolen by a traveler that might as well be me (though it was not, i assure you) and the discarded into a box or bag intended for the local thrift store where it would be marked for 3.99 with a blue tag. eventually i would find it on a day when all blue, green and yellow tags where 75% off, i'd pay a dollar for the same book i had wanted so many times, only this time i would take it home with a feeling of having come by it honestly! yay!

aww, dang!

2009-04-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

so, i finally decide that i don't care that this was my deep thought and poetry blog. i was going to post pictures and little mindless dribblings... and then i lost my camera charger. today i found my charger - my camera is not to be found! grrrr...

rest in peace my beautiful little latin boy chi-chi rodriguez - a.k.a. john

2009-03-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

our little brown baby left us today, she was weak and relatively unresponsive when we got home. about 30 minutes later she began to suffer what seemed like non-voluntary body cramps or death seizures and passed in a mater or moments. she is buried next to our darling vi and she is survived by noxi - who misses her dearly.
it's really hard, i mean you go in knowing they will not last long and that you are giving them a good life. still, it's hard to lose a baby. even if they are an old, old queen!

my next baby ~

2009-03-25T09:10:00.001-07:00

i have been looking for years for a breeder of siamese cats that i would adopt from! i finally found her and this is what my cat will look like. he's a blue point siamese and he's lovely!

Posted via email from raejillian's posterous

rest in peace my lovely vida boheme - a.k.a. patrick

2009-03-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

our white rat, vida boheme, died today. she got really weak - fast. we gave her lots of lovin' and an almond. she is survived by her sisters in spirit if not blood, noxi and chi-chi. hopefully she'll be happy in the big rat cage in the sky. i loved you vi - love you still!

shut up!

2009-03-04T00:17:00.000-08:00

so, i was at britney's first concert on this - her most amazing tour! she was lovely and awesome and just really great to witness! check it:

and then there was this: (make me drool. oh please, please, take me!)

okay, i don't know who knows this and who doesn't but right now i am going to come clean. i am a total fag for britney spears. i love her. she is my imaginary friend. DAILY - daily, i have fantasies of when we meet and how we become great friends and i keep her secrets and she puts her trust in me and i swear it's just good, pure, girl to girl love - not the les kind, though maybe it would get there, but really i just want to be her bff! i am so happy for her and excited to have been a teeny - tiny, non-important part of this part of her professional life!

iliad arrived

2009-02-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

so for more on my first try customizing a blythe you have to check out www.lifewithblythe.blogspot.com because it is really banging! i am so excited, so here is a picture:
(over there on the blythe blog there's video and all sorts of fun stuff!)

omg - i think this is me. um, a lot.

2009-02-15T09:01:00.000-08:00

a new site - a new blythe - a new year

2009-02-08T17:56:00.000-08:00

okay, i have been thinking on this and i think i want the new site to have a couple of pages - art, scrap booking, poetry, dolls, banana hill, photos and blog. i feel like i have a lot going on and i need to make the site fresh and up to date... we'll see.

i ordered a new blythe; i would tell you which one but it does not matter BECAUSE i am going to customize her! there is no ifs, ands or buts. i already purchased her eye chips, the sanding sponges and a slew of other things! also i have two monkeys i plan on getting to this year! yay!

eek, maybe things are getting better - mania, how delicious!