A message?

I know
With half my mind
No
With more than half
With most of myself
I know

She isn't talking to me
There is no secret message
No hidden meaning

Still
I can see it clearly
With eyes that look
With a fractured
Reality
I can hear
What she isn't saying

She is giving me
Her secrets
Her desires
She is passing the torch to me
She wants my life
My breath

I am so ashamed

I can't count my ribs
I lost them last week
Brittle little rattle
Like keys made of bones
My hips will go next
I won't let that happen

I can do this
I am stronger
I am able
More able than she thinks
More able than anyone thought

I keep saying
Just a bit more
Just a little further

I think I know
That that is a lie
Can they get mad
If the lie was meant for me
And those that stood
Too close
Became casualties

I have been
Too close before
I know it still destroys
Even if the lie
Wasn't meant for you

She can count
My vertebrae
And I can sleep
Only when I feel
Empty

I love you both
I can't choose who
I love more

I'm sorry

~ may I die this way ~