I dying without you
Unable to breathe
Weak
Frail
Empty

I've gotten pretty good
At killing myself
Slowly
So slowly
She doesn't even notice

I can't help
To think of you
To think that you
Would have known
I was dying
Before I did
Can't shake the feeling
That while you kissed
The spaces that are new
As your tounge traced
The empty
Where there was full
That you would stop this
That you would
Without knowing
End the torturous
Non-death I am living
Without you






~ may I die this way ~

I'm starving myself
Carving out the hunger
Need
Desire
Craving
constant
burning
destruction
painful
HUNGER
For you

I need silence
Relief
I need the void
Of self
Of space
Of mind
Of matter

If I can take up less
If I can need less
If I can take in less
If I can move less

Maybe I can feel you less

If I can take
This emptiness
your emptiness
And I can starve it
Into my emptiness

I can feel you again
Your unforgiving touch
Your overwhelming heat
Your dizzying desire




~ may I die this way ~

Yesterday

If I am of the ocean
I wrote
If you are of the sky

Then again
Those things seem
Easier
Somehow
More surmountable
Than where we are now

You are still
Living yesterday
While I
Mourne her death
You are still walking home
While put out the candles

I don't understand
Why letting go hurts
More than holding on
All I know
Is that both are killing me

I want to run to you
To cross into yesterday
Do it all over
For an hour or two
I want you
To love me
Properly
To touch me
Carefully
To see me
Honestly


~ may I die this way ~

It's different
This time
It's different
I'm sure

This time
I can't breathe
I am not sure
I can't see the picture
That to me
Was always so
Crystal
Perfect
Clear
Obvious

It's different
This time
It's different
You know already
What I
Am only now
Grasping

Only now
Figuring out

That this is my life
Mine
Not ours
Mine
Not yours
Not in any way

Not going to visit
You are not coming home
There will be no more
Us
That makes them wonder
Us
That makes it clear
Us
Against them
Us
As a team
Us
An unspoken love
Spoken in the hours
When the world slept

Us
Has died
Left me a prisoner
Of a war
I didn't realize I was fighting
A civil war of sorts
Friendly fire
Forgotten mines
Casualty of the times



~ may I die this way ~

A message?

I know
With half my mind
No
With more than half
With most of myself
I know

She isn't talking to me
There is no secret message
No hidden meaning

Still
I can see it clearly
With eyes that look
With a fractured
Reality
I can hear
What she isn't saying

She is giving me
Her secrets
Her desires
She is passing the torch to me
She wants my life
My breath

I am so ashamed

I can't count my ribs
I lost them last week
Brittle little rattle
Like keys made of bones
My hips will go next
I won't let that happen

I can do this
I am stronger
I am able
More able than she thinks
More able than anyone thought

I keep saying
Just a bit more
Just a little further

I think I know
That that is a lie
Can they get mad
If the lie was meant for me
And those that stood
Too close
Became casualties

I have been
Too close before
I know it still destroys
Even if the lie
Wasn't meant for you

She can count
My vertebrae
And I can sleep
Only when I feel
Empty

I love you both
I can't choose who
I love more

I'm sorry

~ may I die this way ~

Remember When I Smiled

Daniel wasn't the only one
To sleep in a lions den
He was
However
The only one
To escape unharmed

You broke something
Still to be fixed
I have worked this puzzle
For years
For a whole lifetime
Only to find
You took a piece with you

So here it is
A complete picture
More and more beautiful
You would be shocked
Yet there
Indiscernible - yet there
A hole
A piece stolen
Within that vacant space
A world

How does this work
How do we move on
Do we
Move on

I can't
Your calls well pass midnight
Tell me you can't
Then what is this
That we re doing
This isn't life
You can't live without

Without
Your peices

You can't be whole
Not while using a piece of me
As your own
It's making me hurt more
More than is fair
More than I imagine
You would ever want me to

That's because
I like to imagine
Pretend
Make believe
That you love me
Or
At least
That you loved me
All those years ago
When you actually
Knew me
When I lived you
When I worshiped you
When I gave that piece
In the first place



~ may I die this way ~

Starved
Counting each moment
Falling into myself
Falling apart
Bit by bit

Sick
As each thought erodes
Parts of myself
Wither

Who is this girl
That I have
Unearthed
Carved
Out of myself
Resurrected
From the dust
Of a former

Where is her mind
Wandering
Lost
Fractured by
Hunger
Control
Anger
Fear

~ may I die this way ~

I never imagined
You
Without me
I never let myself
Breathe
The air of a world
You were not part of

The dare
Of a dream
Of another's skin
Touch
Scent

The threat
Of desire
For a different
Love

I would have
Died
Killed

~ may I die this way ~

There is a hollow
I trace again and again
To be sure
To get lost
It becomes a prayer
As my fingers trace the expanse
I am scared of it's existence
Of waking up one day without it

If I can keep it all
Under the tightest touch
Maybe we can be okay
Maybe tomorrow I can
Wake up and live

The hunger defines me
Makes me stronger
Creates the lioness



~ may I die this way ~